


Alec wasn't stupid

by Nanerich



Category: The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alec's POV, Emotions, M/M, unrequited feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-12
Updated: 2021-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-20 06:20:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30000570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nanerich/pseuds/Nanerich
Summary: Alec wasn't stupid.He may have played the emotionless warrior, but he had a lot of feelings, and even if he didn't want to admit it, he knew exactly what they meant.
Relationships: Alec Lightwood & Jace Wayland, Clary Fray/Jace Wayland, Lydia Branwell & Alec Lightwood, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Kudos: 29





	Alec wasn't stupid

Alec wasn't stupid. He knew exactly that the flutter in his stomach that showed up every time Jace hugged him had nothing to do with being parabatai. He knew exactly that the pains in his chest, whenever Jace told him about his newest lady-friend were not worry that she would hurt him and he knew exactly why he had to fake his smile and support for these relationships, as short-lived as they were.

He knew. And he hated himself for it.

Just like right now. Alec was sitting in the corner of Pandemonium, waiting for a vamp that had some information on a rogue fang and was letting them wait. Unfortunately, Jace decided that this waiting period was perfect to get his flirt on with a Seelie. They were leaning against the bar at the opposite side of the club, in clear view, laughing, chatting, there was even some light arm touching and it made Alec sick to his stomach.

Alec would never get that. It was wrong on so many levels: they were parabatai, they were brothers, if only adopted, and the clave shunned any and all displays of affection not between a husband and wife. Alec had high aspirations for himself; director of the NY institute, working his way up the ranks until maybe one lucky day he could call himself Inquisitor. And that was so much more important than any type of feelings he might have.

But Alec wasn't stupid; he knew exactly that as hard as he tried to push all these feelings down, he would never be rid of them and for probably the rest of his life that pang in his chest he got around his parabatai would not disappear.

* * *

Alec wasn't stupid. He knew exactly why he hated Clary Fairchild. And her being an unknowing, trouble-making mundane was the smallest percentage of that reason. Seeing Jace with her was different from seeing him with any other girl. He wasn't flirting with her for the game's sake, but for her sake. Jace looked at Clary the way Alec wanted to look at Jace. When talking about her, Jace had a sparkle in his eyes that Alec had worked so hard to suppress when talking about his parabatai. Jace had always been more than generous with his interpretations of the law, as he always called it. But ever since Clary entered the picture, he happily disregarded every rule that bothered him.

Through all this, Jace made clear what Alec dreaded ever since he first saw him – he would never feel for Alec how he felt about Clary, and that after barely knowing her. Being parabatai for years couldn't measure up to whatever that few-days-old relationship was. And Alec could never measure up to Clary in Jace's eyes.

* * *

Alec wasn't stupid. He knew exactly that this High Warlock of Brooklyn had ulterior motives. Of course he did, one didn't exactly make it as the leader of the warlocks by always playing nice and abiding by the rules. And even the demon-blooded population of the Shadowworld knew that Alec was on a pretty good way towards Head of Institute. That contact is worth gold, and somebody who was a couple of centuries old like Magnus Bane knew exactly who to make friends with.

Alec knew. And yet he couldn't help that tingling feeling when their paths happened to cross, he couldn't help but enjoying those amazingly impeccable outfits and he definitely could not deny that the warlock's energy was weirdly attracting. Besides, being the centre of someone's attention... It was a new feeling and definitely not an unpleasant one.

Then again, Magnus knew how to play the people around him. After hundreds of years, he just knew what to say to get someone on his side; he knew exactly which remarks would leave their mark.

* * *

Alec wasn't stupid. He knew exactly that he would never be in love with Lydia. And he knew exactly that he would never be able to give her what she needed on an emotional level.

But Lydia knew as well as Alec did that a marriage wasn't necessarily something romantic. A marriage is a contract, at its very core. A marriage promises opportunities and this particular marriage certainly would fulfil any and all expectations Alec was met with on a daily basis. A marriage is about social standing, which in turn is the basis for pretty much any goal Alec had set for himself. With a wife like Lydia, a Branwell, Alec would rise even higher in the esteem of the Clave. And absolutely nothing would stand in the way of his promotion to Head of New York Institute.

Even if a certain warlock kept on haunting his dreams. 

* * *

Alec wasn't stupid. He knew exactly that what he just pulled would probably go down as one of the biggest scandals the Shadowworld has ever had to face. He knew exactly that with him kissing Magnus he had kissed everything he had ever wanted goodbye. He knew exactly how the public image of the good Lightwood-name had fallen deeper than ever before and that even though his parents had been members of the Circle.

But Alec also knew that this was the first time he had ever been completely honest with his family, his peers, but also with himself. It was the first time that Alec hadn't shied back from letting out every last feeling; for the first time in his life Alec had done something because he genuinely wanted it, damning whether it was good for his family, the clave or his aspirations.

And for a few glorious moments everything was perfect.


End file.
